From Bah with Humbug: An Interview with Scrooge
By: Ames Doyle
In advance of the newest season of Invasion: Christmas Carol, Dad’s Garage sat down with miser-in-chief, Ebenezer Scrooge, to get the answers to your most burning yuletide questions.
DG: Can you tell me a little bit about yourself?
ES: Yes, my name is Ebenezer Scrooge: Banker, Cash-Man, Man-About-Town.
DG: Great—
ES: I run a loan house.
DG: A loan house? Would you say that’s one of your hobbies?
ES: Hobby and profession. I mean, if you love what you do, you don’t work a dayin your life.
DG: Hmm, yes. That’s a, uh, saying that people say. Do you have any other hobbies?
ES: Yes! I like counting money. I like counting debt. I like collecting debt and I like collecting money. Also, general misery.
DG: Misery? I didn’t realize that could be a hobby. What does that usually entail?
ES: Oh you know, yelling at children, being rude to people, a lot of “hum bug”ing.
DG: Ah, that makes sense! Well, I thought we’d move on to something light.
ES: Fine.
DG: Thomas Moore wrote in Utopia, “Nobody owns anything, but everyone is rich—for what greater wealth can there be than cheerfulness, peace of mind, and freedom from anxiety?” Do you agree or disagree? Why?
ES: Laughs Ah yes, the words of an artist. So valuable! No, that doesn’t make any sense. Yes, people own things! I own your debt, therefore I own your house!
DG: Interesting. I’d love to see the two of you hash this one out, but alas. On to something a little deeper: can you tell me your astrological sign?
ES: Cash.
DG: Classic Capricorn, got it.
ES: Humbug.
DG: What do you look for in an ideal partner?
ES: Let’s see, hmm. Cash, a dowry–wait, I do the dowry, don’t I?
DG: If you have a daughter, yes, but if you’re marrying someone you get the dowry.
ES: Oh, I’ll take that!
DG: So you want to marry someone and have no kids?
ES: Are you asking me?
DG: Absolutely not. Continue.
ES: Fine. I look for a wise financial sense, someone who isn’t soft when it comes to getting things done, who has conviction towards their fiduciary responsibilities.
DG: Are we talking about a romantic partner or business partner or both?
ES: Both!
DG: So maybe we could find it all in one person? Business and pleasure?
ES: I don’t enjoy mixing business with pleasure, but I don’t have pleasure, so it’s just business.
DG: What’s your opinion on theater and the arts?
ES: I, like the state of Georgia, have the lowest support for the arts.
DG: Do you enjoy reading?
ES: I read obituaries to see who’s selling.
DG: Have you ever read any Charles Dickens, by chance?
ES: Why do I always get lumped in with that guy? He’s a poser.
DG: I don’t want to get you too fired up, but Elon Musk recently told an interviewer that he’s richer than you, a better businessman, and gets more hot babes. Do you have a response?
ES: Yes, three. One: his name is Musk. C’mon, that’s ridiculous. Two: Have you seen that truck?
DG: Ohhh yeah, it’s unfortunate looking.
ES: Exactly. So maybe he’s not the best person to follow. And three: I have more money.
DG: Which guests do you hope make an appearance at IXC this year?
ES: Rumsfeld? No, no Rumsfeld, he’s a putz. Kissinger?
DG: Woof! Are they going to bring Kissinger back from hell?
ES: I’d think so! He’s probably friends with Marley.
DG: Are you an autumn, winter, summer or spring?
ES: Whatever has cold, dank, dark colors. Like Morrisey.
DG: Do you prefer Chappell Roan or Taylor Swift?
ES: Oh, I’m a Swiftie.
DG: I knew it.
ES: That Eras Tour! She makes money. Over a billion dollars? Come on! Can’t not support that kind of capitalism!
DG: True, she is a capitalist boss babe.
DG: Would you rather run a business with either a: unionized employees or b: a four day work week and mandatory parental leave?
ES: Oh, easy. Neither.
DG: If you had one day left to live, what would you do with it?
ES: Me, alone in my counting house, doing exactly what I love to do: an endless cycle of counting coins. Actually, that’s my perfect first date. Some gruel, counting, no one bothering me and the soft cries of those losing all that they have.
DG: And then you just watch the clock count down until you die, face first into a pile of money?
ES: Well, I wouldn’t really die—if you’re rich you don’t die. I’d probably live forever. I’m like Tom Brady.
DG: Really poignant stuff. Thank you so much for your very valuable time!
ES: I’ll send over the bill shortly.
See Scrooge (and surprise guests!) live at Dad’s Garage, November 29 - December 30,
